oh. hi there.
what?
no not at all why do you ask?
oh i see now. It's all a trick ay? Thought you'd escaped did you? Well you can erase that small glimmer of hope from your pretty little head because as the title of this post CLEARLY says ... he's back. Who you ask? Well ... me. Yes dear reader it's true. After a year of exploring my inner self and coming to terms with who i am (yup you were right all along I'm a non-corporeal amorphous blob of sentient gristle) I've decided to write again. Now I know what you're thinking to yourself. You're thinking "but Jack. Every 6 months you reappear and make me fall in love with you all over again before disappearing into the ether." And I know that. But here's the thing my poor helpless babe, i did it for YOU. OK no i didn't BUT I did warn you that I was inconsistent! luckily if you want to pretend i was never gone you could nip over to Jack and Liam's story time adventure (a short lived story blog me and a friend called (you'll never believe it) Liam wrote) here. go on, We'll all wait while you read it.
Done? Good.
See I like writing, even if it's inane bullshit and I have realised that to do this in any consistent way I need a theme. A goal. A master plan, if you will. So to that end I have decided to start a new series of posts on here. I, your great and glorious leader Jack, have a disease that many of you are also afflicted with. I'm bad with money ... and Steam summer sales exist. This inevitably means that I have built up a backlog of Steam games that I have NEVER ACTUALLY PLAYED!!! (that's right reader, hard as it is to believe even I have flaws) SO once a week I shall post a review of one of my steam games. Now this alone is nothing to right home about (although you should because everyone's worried about you) so I need a gimmick ... what is that gimmick you ask? (sobbing gently whilst stroking a picture of my face) I shall work through them in ALPHABETICAL ORDER!!!!!!!!! Now some of these games I have played. Some are brand new and some are 100% shit. So let me take you on a journey. A journey into the depths of my (at the time of posting) 213 game steam library. Don't be scared, I'm here now, I'm back.
The first game is AaaaaAAaaaAAAaaAAAAaAAAAA!!! for the Awesome. Review will be up some time this week.
Jack off (to bed (nothing dirty))
Monday, 20 October 2014
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
Crying at Movies - the art of being a man
Hola mi amigos!
no your eye tubes aren't broken. What you just saw was someone completely untrained in the Spanish language typing in flawless Spanish (probably ... I didn't check). This sudden, and no doubt surprising, change in dialect is because in 3 weeks I will be on the island of Grand Canaries (or some such ... I haven't been paying much attention). But this won't impact you, my most loyal of readers, at all as my mind hole will still pump random junk through my finger cylinders down through the network of wires connecting me to you and onto your partially illuminated monitor (you know you should really fix your brightness settings it's not good for your eyes).
Anyway the undirected rambling finished with here are some marginally more directed thoughts on Crying at Movies and the direct link to being a man.
I cry ... a lot (at movies ... not in general (also is 'at movies' the right term? It sounds like i fire tear drops at the screen (I don't))) films just have a way of worming into my heart. I can sit and watch the most mind numbingly dull movie and so long as there is one character who I can connect to in the loosest of ways ("oh my god HE WEARS SHIRTS TOO!!!!) when something bad happens to them I will cry.
Now most men will quietly contain there tears (or just not cry at all) and then claim they are the manliest of men (pffft I ain't going to cry over no cowboy toy nearly burning to death (YOU MONSTER)) but I look at them and I feel sad (inevitably leading to more tears). Whats wrong with them? that character who also likes bacon has just been dumped AND IT'S RAINY! how can you sit there passively watching? do you not feel for him? is your heart fashioned from cold, hard granite? (I know, I know peoples hearts are really made from candy but i need the comparison for my monologue)
Now you, dear reader, are probably sitting there in one of two ways, you are either sitting there, small bottle of eye moistener in your hand, laughing to yourself thinking 'this fool! he allows his feelings to control his movie going experience, why i bet he even shed a tear in 27 dresses' (for your information i did not ... no instead i got angry and emotional when she couldn't see that HE was the one) or, like myself, tears are flooding down your face right now, you are crying like a small child lost in the woods, like a dear who's mother has just been shot, like a penguin who just lost it's egg to the icy grip of the snow. You, oh reader of mine, are just like me.
That's probably a bad thing.
Jack in black.
no your eye tubes aren't broken. What you just saw was someone completely untrained in the Spanish language typing in flawless Spanish (probably ... I didn't check). This sudden, and no doubt surprising, change in dialect is because in 3 weeks I will be on the island of Grand Canaries (or some such ... I haven't been paying much attention). But this won't impact you, my most loyal of readers, at all as my mind hole will still pump random junk through my finger cylinders down through the network of wires connecting me to you and onto your partially illuminated monitor (you know you should really fix your brightness settings it's not good for your eyes).
Anyway the undirected rambling finished with here are some marginally more directed thoughts on Crying at Movies and the direct link to being a man.
I cry ... a lot (at movies ... not in general (also is 'at movies' the right term? It sounds like i fire tear drops at the screen (I don't))) films just have a way of worming into my heart. I can sit and watch the most mind numbingly dull movie and so long as there is one character who I can connect to in the loosest of ways ("oh my god HE WEARS SHIRTS TOO!!!!) when something bad happens to them I will cry.
Now most men will quietly contain there tears (or just not cry at all) and then claim they are the manliest of men (pffft I ain't going to cry over no cowboy toy nearly burning to death (YOU MONSTER)) but I look at them and I feel sad (inevitably leading to more tears). Whats wrong with them? that character who also likes bacon has just been dumped AND IT'S RAINY! how can you sit there passively watching? do you not feel for him? is your heart fashioned from cold, hard granite? (I know, I know peoples hearts are really made from candy but i need the comparison for my monologue)
Now you, dear reader, are probably sitting there in one of two ways, you are either sitting there, small bottle of eye moistener in your hand, laughing to yourself thinking 'this fool! he allows his feelings to control his movie going experience, why i bet he even shed a tear in 27 dresses' (for your information i did not ... no instead i got angry and emotional when she couldn't see that HE was the one) or, like myself, tears are flooding down your face right now, you are crying like a small child lost in the woods, like a dear who's mother has just been shot, like a penguin who just lost it's egg to the icy grip of the snow. You, oh reader of mine, are just like me.
That's probably a bad thing.
Jack in black.
Monday, 31 December 2012
Thoughts on life in general and the inevitability of death
HAHAHA! no seriously?
you totally fell for it!
why the hell would I be writing deep meaningfull thoughts??? no instead i'm going to talk about a little game called little inferno (no lie i literally thought of this as i type the first bit (now that is true genius (or chaos ... either one)))
Little Inferno is a game. but do not fear, my review will not stop at this simple yet provocative sentence. You see some people don't realise that it is truly a game. they look at the fireplace on screen, they watch as I tenderly place a cuddly bear down and then ignite it into a blazing heap of beauty and they say "Oh ... is this it?" and to these people I cry out "NEIGH" (for i am secretely a horse and none of you even knew). You see I buy the bear with gold. And then, as the bear burns a blazing death, it drops a coin, a coin worth slightly more than i spent on the bear.
I see your brain whirring, piecing together the complexity that is Little Inferno. Fear not reader, I will free your beautifull mind from this horrible riddle. I MAKE MONEY BY BURNING THINGS I BUY!!! GENIUS!!!
As the game progresses you are allowed to purchase more catalogues full of even more burnable objects, of course you don't immediately get everything in the catalogue, no, instead you start with three (or four (as i said i'm not prepared for this)) and to unlock more you must burn the unlocked ones.
Ok, lets pause a second. My fantabulous brain is once again running faster than my fingers so i'm explaining that poorly. so i'll simplify. to unlock object 4 I must first burn either object 1, 2 or 3. see?
But this is not what defines a game, no, just because i spend and unlock i can not justify this as a game. The true reason that I laugh in the face of these poor fools is because I have felt pure joyous fun. The moment that you burn your first stack of letter blocks, and see the perfectly coded fire first spread, then engulf the objects in your small fireplace. You realise that Little Inferno is not just a small time killer, no, It is a game.
of course as any good reviewer knows you can't have a biased opinion. I must also point out the flaws.
unfortunately for you, avid reader, i am not a good reviewer...
Jack (to the future)
you totally fell for it!
why the hell would I be writing deep meaningfull thoughts??? no instead i'm going to talk about a little game called little inferno (no lie i literally thought of this as i type the first bit (now that is true genius (or chaos ... either one)))
Little Inferno is a game. but do not fear, my review will not stop at this simple yet provocative sentence. You see some people don't realise that it is truly a game. they look at the fireplace on screen, they watch as I tenderly place a cuddly bear down and then ignite it into a blazing heap of beauty and they say "Oh ... is this it?" and to these people I cry out "NEIGH" (for i am secretely a horse and none of you even knew). You see I buy the bear with gold. And then, as the bear burns a blazing death, it drops a coin, a coin worth slightly more than i spent on the bear.
I see your brain whirring, piecing together the complexity that is Little Inferno. Fear not reader, I will free your beautifull mind from this horrible riddle. I MAKE MONEY BY BURNING THINGS I BUY!!! GENIUS!!!
As the game progresses you are allowed to purchase more catalogues full of even more burnable objects, of course you don't immediately get everything in the catalogue, no, instead you start with three (or four (as i said i'm not prepared for this)) and to unlock more you must burn the unlocked ones.
Ok, lets pause a second. My fantabulous brain is once again running faster than my fingers so i'm explaining that poorly. so i'll simplify. to unlock object 4 I must first burn either object 1, 2 or 3. see?
But this is not what defines a game, no, just because i spend and unlock i can not justify this as a game. The true reason that I laugh in the face of these poor fools is because I have felt pure joyous fun. The moment that you burn your first stack of letter blocks, and see the perfectly coded fire first spread, then engulf the objects in your small fireplace. You realise that Little Inferno is not just a small time killer, no, It is a game.
of course as any good reviewer knows you can't have a biased opinion. I must also point out the flaws.
unfortunately for you, avid reader, i am not a good reviewer...
Jack (to the future)
Hi There
Hey.
Remember me?
i'm that guy, you know, THAT guy.
the one who brought just a hint of glimmering joy into your otherwise mundane lives.
whats that?
yeah fine the penguin guy ...
anyway now that we've reintroduced ourselves (and hopefully rekindled that spark of secret desire you harbor for me) i think it's time for me to level with you, to let you glimpse into the life of a god and for the briefest of moments allow you to bathe in the holy light of Jack! ... not really instead i'm going to tell you that I would very much like to start blogging again!!! (not actually as exciting as those three exclamation points imply) Thats right my princes of the night, my queens of the wild, my ... erm ... my ... oh god i totally had a third one ready ... it was like ... erm ... dukes ... dukes of ... the ... living room(????)... IM BACK!!! there will be more randomness! absolutely no reliable time when i will post! (are you ready for daily posts? hourly posts? long months of silence?(you'd better be because im inconsistent and unreliable)) so to crack things off and lull you back in i'm going to post immediately after I post this!
mind blown?
thought so
Remember me?
i'm that guy, you know, THAT guy.
the one who brought just a hint of glimmering joy into your otherwise mundane lives.
whats that?
yeah fine the penguin guy ...
anyway now that we've reintroduced ourselves (and hopefully rekindled that spark of secret desire you harbor for me) i think it's time for me to level with you, to let you glimpse into the life of a god and for the briefest of moments allow you to bathe in the holy light of Jack! ... not really instead i'm going to tell you that I would very much like to start blogging again!!! (not actually as exciting as those three exclamation points imply) Thats right my princes of the night, my queens of the wild, my ... erm ... my ... oh god i totally had a third one ready ... it was like ... erm ... dukes ... dukes of ... the ... living room(????)... IM BACK!!! there will be more randomness! absolutely no reliable time when i will post! (are you ready for daily posts? hourly posts? long months of silence?(you'd better be because im inconsistent and unreliable)) so to crack things off and lull you back in i'm going to post immediately after I post this!
mind blown?
thought so
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
Skyline
Sup?
oh cool!
nah but how much fun was it???
lol totally!
Anyway onto the review
For some reason I'm starting to type this 'review' only 20 minutes into the film ... that's a bad sign ... it means the film is not interesting enough to keep me riveted.
The first thing that strikes me about this movie is that if the film makers wanted me to care about any of the main characters they've gone the wrong way about it (again i'm only 20 minutes in so who knows! maybe they'll all turn out to be really lovely wonderfull people) the main character, Jarrod, and his wife travel to LA to visit Jarrods friend Turk ... Oh sorry, Terry. Then we have some scenes establishing that everyone that Terry knows in LA are dicks and Terry is no better ... also Jarrod is kind of a dick and his wife is also a dick. (basically everyone is a dick)
Then aliens happen.
to the films credit the alien ships look pretty cool even if the aliens themselves are ridiculously stupid (they have the technology to suck people into the air but the only way they can find people is to look through windows???)
Im currently learning why writing a review 20 minutes in is stupid ... I dont think those were alien ships ... its now appears that they are organic creatures ...
ANYWHO im going to wait for the film to finish and then write the rest ...
OK! its finished now! and i feel like i can now properly complain. seriously you dont need to see this film, its not worth it. The ending is bad. The story is bad. The characters are bad. the aliens are badass. in fact the aliens are the only good point of the entire film, they seriously look awesome. so yeah all in all NOT WORTH THE WATCH
on a side note "Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!"
that is all.
oh cool!
nah but how much fun was it???
lol totally!
Anyway onto the review
For some reason I'm starting to type this 'review' only 20 minutes into the film ... that's a bad sign ... it means the film is not interesting enough to keep me riveted.
The first thing that strikes me about this movie is that if the film makers wanted me to care about any of the main characters they've gone the wrong way about it (again i'm only 20 minutes in so who knows! maybe they'll all turn out to be really lovely wonderfull people) the main character, Jarrod, and his wife travel to LA to visit Jarrods friend Turk ... Oh sorry, Terry. Then we have some scenes establishing that everyone that Terry knows in LA are dicks and Terry is no better ... also Jarrod is kind of a dick and his wife is also a dick. (basically everyone is a dick)
Then aliens happen.
to the films credit the alien ships look pretty cool even if the aliens themselves are ridiculously stupid (they have the technology to suck people into the air but the only way they can find people is to look through windows???)
Im currently learning why writing a review 20 minutes in is stupid ... I dont think those were alien ships ... its now appears that they are organic creatures ...
ANYWHO im going to wait for the film to finish and then write the rest ...
OK! its finished now! and i feel like i can now properly complain. seriously you dont need to see this film, its not worth it. The ending is bad. The story is bad. The characters are bad. the aliens are badass. in fact the aliens are the only good point of the entire film, they seriously look awesome. so yeah all in all NOT WORTH THE WATCH
on a side note "Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!"
that is all.
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
Dara O'Briain and friends!
So i went to a comedy gig the night before last (My first time seeing comics live). And I will say now it was amazing! I am majorly into comedy and love watching live comedy (on DVDs) but there is something about seeing it live which just makes the whole experience amazing! I went with four of my friends to the Hammersmith Apollo and everyone who went seemed to enjoy it.
There were about six or seven comics performing and each had around about a five minute set. The highlight of the evening was a comic called Terry Alderton who I had never seen or heard of before. His act was basically him acting completely insane for the whole time ... AND IT WAS AWESOME!!! He perfectly walked the line of hilarious man acting insane and completely mental kind of scary guy which made the act even better.
Dara O'Briain o was, of course, also hilarious and the only person who kind of let the side down was Shapi Khorsandi who was the 'host' of the evening meaning that she would come out after each comedian to introduce the next (after making a few jokes) i admit that some her stuff did genuinely make me laugh but after the first time she came out it felt like she was just trying to play the 'women have it hard' and the 'Iranians have it hard too' cards. Now as i am not Iranian or a woman I don't know how accurate this is but as far as I am aware women and Iranians are not down trodden minorities who suffer at the hands of others meaning that i didn't find her jokes that funny.
On a side note my converse are falling apart ... seriously there isn't much fabric holding them together and i feel like I should probably get some new shoes but at the same time some part of me thinks that the torn up converse look is majorly cool (although as I have spent my entire life being the looser nerd who doesn't have the slightest idea what is fashionable I'm not sure how accurate this idea is) anyways I'm going to love you and leave you with a new sign of which one of my friends wanted me to use.
Jack off!
There were about six or seven comics performing and each had around about a five minute set. The highlight of the evening was a comic called Terry Alderton who I had never seen or heard of before. His act was basically him acting completely insane for the whole time ... AND IT WAS AWESOME!!! He perfectly walked the line of hilarious man acting insane and completely mental kind of scary guy which made the act even better.
Dara O'Briain o was, of course, also hilarious and the only person who kind of let the side down was Shapi Khorsandi who was the 'host' of the evening meaning that she would come out after each comedian to introduce the next (after making a few jokes) i admit that some her stuff did genuinely make me laugh but after the first time she came out it felt like she was just trying to play the 'women have it hard' and the 'Iranians have it hard too' cards. Now as i am not Iranian or a woman I don't know how accurate this is but as far as I am aware women and Iranians are not down trodden minorities who suffer at the hands of others meaning that i didn't find her jokes that funny.
On a side note my converse are falling apart ... seriously there isn't much fabric holding them together and i feel like I should probably get some new shoes but at the same time some part of me thinks that the torn up converse look is majorly cool (although as I have spent my entire life being the looser nerd who doesn't have the slightest idea what is fashionable I'm not sure how accurate this idea is) anyways I'm going to love you and leave you with a new sign of which one of my friends wanted me to use.
Jack off!
Sunday, 13 February 2011
Rock Band 3
So rock band 3 finally turned up ... a week after it was supposed to ... (I don't blame the postman (It's not his fault (it's the Illuminati's ... THEY RUN EVERYTHING))) and I have finally got round to posting a sort of review ('sort of' because it will mainly be my insane mutterings)
The game is awesome, coming from someone who loved the first two. I love allot of the songs in the set list and especially like the way that it ventures into new styles of music not seen in most rhythm music instrument controller games (RYMUIC's?) anyway I have an entirely different point to make in this post. (I'm not much of a reviewer and I don't really intend to become one)
Is it weird for a guy to play as a girl in games??? I mean I don't in most games, I'm a slender athletic male elf in dragon age and a twisted male Sith lord in Knights of the old Republic (in other words everything I'm not in this so called 'real' world) but when it comes to rock band I always make a female character. Now, i have no idea if it's some kind of weird psychological thing that affects certain guys (or if we just like staring at hot women playing guitar (the more likely option)) but i can't help it! I know a couple of guys who make female characters in everything (specifically one person ... whose name rhymes with pawn) and i don't find it too weird (unless they start acting like their character) but i know that some people think it is incredibly weird. If i had any kind of real following on here I'd ask you all to comment and say whether you do it or think it's odd ... but i don't so instead I'll just sit in my room and ponder this by myself ... alone ... apart from the voices ... who never leave ... EVER ...... (because of the Illuminati)
The game is awesome, coming from someone who loved the first two. I love allot of the songs in the set list and especially like the way that it ventures into new styles of music not seen in most rhythm music instrument controller games (RYMUIC's?) anyway I have an entirely different point to make in this post. (I'm not much of a reviewer and I don't really intend to become one)
Is it weird for a guy to play as a girl in games??? I mean I don't in most games, I'm a slender athletic male elf in dragon age and a twisted male Sith lord in Knights of the old Republic (in other words everything I'm not in this so called 'real' world) but when it comes to rock band I always make a female character. Now, i have no idea if it's some kind of weird psychological thing that affects certain guys (or if we just like staring at hot women playing guitar (the more likely option)) but i can't help it! I know a couple of guys who make female characters in everything (specifically one person ... whose name rhymes with pawn) and i don't find it too weird (unless they start acting like their character) but i know that some people think it is incredibly weird. If i had any kind of real following on here I'd ask you all to comment and say whether you do it or think it's odd ... but i don't so instead I'll just sit in my room and ponder this by myself ... alone ... apart from the voices ... who never leave ... EVER ...... (because of the Illuminati)
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